Holding onto Love

Every morning, I wake with a heaviness in my heart, a quiet ache that doesn’t seem to ease. The loss feels unreal, almost impossible to grasp. A part of me still expects to see Papa just around the corner, arms wide open, flashing his warmest smile and greeting me with his familiar, tender “Hi putta, good morning.” That morning numbness… it’s hard to describe. A silence that echoes with the emptiness of a space only he could fill.

I never got the chance to ask Papa what his final wishes were. He didn’t even know his time was so near. For the first time in his life, he was scared, and that shook me. A man who had always been so full of positivity was in tears when I saw him in the ICU. And I still carry the weight of the lies I told him, again and again, just to comfort him, that I was taking him home soon. He didn’t deserve such an early goodbye. At the very least, he should’ve known that his season here was coming to an end.

Life, at times, is merciless. Nothing truly prepares you for this kind of pain. How do you go on when the universe decides to call back one of its kindest souls?

And then there’s her, somehow finding the strength to carry on. I don’t know how she does it. I see Papa in every little detail, feel him in every corner, and that alone feels overwhelming. For her, it must be unimaginable. Yet, she moves through the day, keeping herself occupied, slowly making peace with a reality she never asked for. She never got the chance to talk to Papa about what life would be like if one of them were gone. That conversation was taken from her, just like the dream of growing old together. Never in her worst fears did she imagine that she’d be left to face the rest of her life without her companion, and so soon.

I always believed Papa was the strong one and Mummy the emotional and vulnerable one. But watching Mummy now, standing tall even as her whole world has crumbled, I finally understand where my own strength comes from. I see now what truly weaves the fabric of motherhood, the quiet, unshakable courage to hold it all together for Krithu and me.

Still, through the heaviness and the heartbreak, one thing shines clear...the lessons he left behind. Papa always taught us to put family and happiness first. ‘Never a dull day’, that was his motto. And when I close my eyes and sift through the memories, it’s his smiling face that fills my mind, the warmth of family togetherness wrapping around me, and the deep fondness we all shared.

And so here we are, holding on to the love they taught us, a love we learned from Papa and Mummy, without whom we would have never understood its true meaning. Papa, your light will never fade.

Forever in our hearts.

~ Penned with love and remembrance for Papa, one month since he left us — 30 April 2025.